Top 10 Things You Will Not Hear At Tonight’s Debate
Many things will be heard at the final presidential debate tonight, but these will not be any of them.
Tonight marks the final presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Some of you are eagerly looking forward to watching tonight’s debate, while the rest of us will be pre-occupied binge-watching Luke Cage on Netflix.
While many Americans who have not given up on the debates past the first five minutes of the first debate are wondering what will occur tonight, we here at the Daily Bungle have compiled the following list of things that will most certainly not be heard during tonight’s debate:
1) Donald Trump offering a sincere apology for his sexist remarks towards women.
2) Hillary Clinton offering a sincere apology for placing confidential American secrets at risk through her private e-mail server.
3) The audience applauding anything said by the candidates that aren’t cheap pot shots or hollow platitudes.
4) Donald Trump expressing sincere concern towards African Americans and other minorities.
5) Hillary Clinton expressing sincere concern towards working class blue collar-working white Americans.
6) Any realistic, substantial proposals towards creating jobs, reducing the national debt and deficit, improving foreign relations, and curtailing the surveillance state.
7) The moderator asking any of the candidates if they can make it past one sentence without lying through their teeth.
8) Gary Johnson and Jill Stein saying anything because they weren’t invited.
9) The Twitter notification alerts of any tweets that say anything remotely positive about the candidates that aren’t transparent side jabs at an opposing candidate.
10) The sound of television sets NOT being changed to something more entertaining and tolerable.
The Daily Bungle
“News so messed up, it almost seems real.”
Author's notes: The only thing unrealistic about this list is the assumption that most everybody else will be watching Luke Cage on Netflix. Some people are going to be catching up on Orange is the New Black, while others will be watching Stranger Things.