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Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Poll: Americans Fear Election More Than Killer Clowns


Poll: Americans Fear Election More Than Killer Clowns

Creepy clowns may be unsettling, but not so much as the current election, survey shows.

Moron Dowd
Daily Bungle

Despite countless creepy clown sightings this year, Americans are much more fearful of the potential outcome of the 2016 election, a recent survey shows.

According to a recent Daily Bungle poll, only 5 percent of Americans are afraid of encountering a creepy clown at night. The remaining numbers show that 50 percent fear a Trump presidency, 40 percent fear a Hillary presidency, and the remaining 5 percent had no idea that it was an election year.

During an election year where both presidential candidates are scoring all-time historic unfavorable ratings among potential voters, most of whom would rather vote for Harambe the Gorilla or Deez Nutz, it almost seems unsurprising that they would fear the next president more than they would creepy clowns.

In fact, one young child who had recently encountered such a creepy clown sighting while on her school playground claimed that she was more traumatized by the current presidential election than she was by her clown sighting.

“The worst that a clown would do would give me nightmares for life, while the next president would put me in a living nightmare for the next four to eight years,” the anonymous 8-year-old said.

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Author’s notes: Originally, I was going to write a satirical article on a fake “Clown Lives Matter” protest in response to the recent clown sightings, but then I learned that, not only was there going to be a real “Clown Lives Matter” protest, but that it was canceled after its organizers received death threats. Sometimes life truly is more satirical than satire.