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Thursday, September 29, 2016

Top 10 Ways The Debates Would’ve Been Worse


Top 10 Ways The Debates Would’ve Been Worse

If you thought the debates were bad, remember that they could always be worse.

Katie Incorrect
Daily Bungle

Like most Americans with a sense of decency and good taste—which sadly makes up only the smallest of minorities these days!—we here at the Daily Bungle were equally repulsed by the cringefest of a dumpster fire known as the presidential debates earlier this week.

However, we would like to assure our readers that, as bad as those debates were, they could have been worse—and, unfortunately, chances are the remaining debates will prove just that!

To prove that the debate between Clinton and Trump really wasn't that bad, here are ten ways they could have been worse:

This Week In Review #52


We here at the Daily Bungle wish to provide a public service by testing our readers to see how well they can differentiate fake news from real news. Below are five news stories. Four are fake, but one is real. Can you tell what's satire and what isn’t?

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Vote For Hillary


Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Vote For Hillary

Hillary will be our new president, so vote for her. Resistance is futile.

Matt Lower Quality
Daily Bungle

Hillary Clinton is currently running neck-to-neck against Donald Trump. The presidential race wouldn’t be so tight were it not for those meddling millennials and their mangy third parties. Were it not for more appealing independents, voters would flock towards the not-so appealing two party candidates, especially Hillary!

We here at the Daily Bungle believe that Hillary is the clear choice for the White House, and we’re not just saying that because she paid us to—honestly, we swear! So to help inform our readers about the best presidential candidate ever, here are ten reasons why they should vote for Hillary:

Pentagon's Missing $6.5 Trillion Found Under Sofa


Missing $6.5 Trillion From Pentagon Found Beneath Sofa

Pentagon's missing trillions found where most loose change found: between the sofa cushions.

Katie Incorrect
Daily Bungle

The $6.5 trillion reported missing from the Pentagon last month has since been recovered after being discovered underneath the sofa cushions.

The Pentagon had previously been unable to account for $6.5 trillion worth of Army general fund transactions and data, according to a Department of Defense Inspector General’s report last month.

The money has since been discovered where most loose change goes missing: underneath the sofa cushions next to the missing car keys, a McDonald's coupon for a free Big Mac, and several dust bunnies.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Top 10 Reasons NOT To Vote For Gary Johnson


Top 10 Reasons NOT To Vote For Gary Johnson

Johnson is not a serious candidate, and here are ten reasons why everyone else totes is.

Anderson Pooper-Scooper
Daily Bungle

Being faced with the choice of either Clinton or Trump, many Americans, especially young people, are expressing strong support for third-party candidates like Gary Johnson.

Despite this, many Americans simply refuse to “Feel the Johnson.” Left-wingers like Benjamin Studebaker argue that Johnson is worse than Trump, while on the opposite side of the spectrum, right-wingers like Paul Joseph Watson feel that Johnson isn’t a real libertarian.

We here at the Daily Bungle agree that Gary Johnson is not the best choice for president—which is why we officially endorse Vermin Supreme!—and to help aid undecided voters, we offer them these ten reasons why Johnson simply isn’t worth voting for:

This Week In Review #51


We here at the Daily Bungle wish to provide a public service by testing our readers to see how well they can differentiate fake news from real news. Below are five news stories. Four are fake, but one is real. Can you tell what's satire and what isn’t?

Trump Confuses Aleppo With Greek NYC Diner


Trump Confuses Aleppo With Greek NYC Diner

"Have you tried their gyros? They're yuuuuuge!"

Walter Crockpot
Daily Bungle

In a futile effort to make Gary Johnson appear more ignorant about his embarrassing “What is Aleppo?” gaffe, both Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton made even more ignorant and embarrassing gaffes about the Syrian city.

Trump, under the impression that Aleppo was a Greek diner in Manhattan, commended the place for its great people and atmosphere and its even greater food.

“Aleppo’s is a great place, wonderful place, and it’s owned by one of the best men in town,” Trump said. “He and his staff are some of the best, and they make great food, the best food. I make it an effort to eat there at least once a week, once a month. You should try their gyros. They make the best gyros in town. Especially their shawarma. It’s yuuuuuge!”

Thursday, September 8, 2016

This Week In Review #50


We here at the Daily Bungle wish to provide a public service by testing our readers to see how well they can differentiate fake news from real news. Below are five news stories. Four are fake, but one is real. Can you tell what's satire and what isn’t?

Top 10 Ways To Prevent Theft


Top 10 Ways To Prevent Theft

Instead of teaching people how to protect themselves from theft, teach thieves not to steal.

Moron Dowd
Daily Bungle

The release of former rapist Brock Turner from his extremely lenient three-month prison sentence has elicited much discussion concerning rape.

Many feminists have used this opportunity to speak out against “rape culture”, insisting that rape prevention should focus less on teaching women how to protect themselves from rape and more on teaching men not to rape.

We here at the Daily Bungle commend these feminists in their valiant efforts, and share their belief that the most effective way to curb crime is to teach criminals not to commit crimes.

As such, we have created this handy-dandy list of tips on how pick pockets and other petty thieves can avoid stealing:

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Daily Bungle Returns From Summer Hiatus


Daily Bungle Returns From Summer Hiatus

News staff fails to notify readers of their absence upon leaving for summer vacation in June.

Dan Blather
Daily Bungle

For Daily Bungle subscribers baffled at the lack of news coverage this summer, the entire newspaper staff had previously left for a collective summer break, thus placing the weekly newspaper on hiatus during that time.

It was the Daily Bungle’s intention to notify readers of our publication’s hiatus, but most of the staff were so excited to leave immediately for vacation that no one remembered to publish a notice of the hiatus.

Upon returning from our collective summer break, we here at the Daily Bungle apologize for this inconvenience, and we wish to inform our readers that our regular news coverage will commence next Wednesday.