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Wednesday, January 27, 2016

This Week In Review #31


We here at the Daily Bungle wish to provide a public service by testing our readers to see how well they can differentiate real news from fake news. One of the following news stories is real. The rest are fake. Can you tell the satire from the real deal? (Hint: Fans of Radio Dead Air will recognize the real news story from their recent episode.)

Blizzard Halts U.N. Global Warming Conference


Blizzard Halts U.N. Global Warming Conference

Record-breaking cold weather shuts down conference discussing how the earth’s climate is getting warmer.

Walter Crockpot
Daily Bungle

A United Nations conference that would have discussed earth’s rising temperatures and the potential solutions to roll back such rapid climate change was canceled last week due to Winter Storm Jonas.

The conference was scheduled for last Saturday in New York City, but was postponed due to the city’s record-breaking 26.8 inches of snow—the second largest snowfall recorded since 1869.

The two-day long blizzard, which has buried the entire U.S. East Coast in more than two feet of snow, and claimed the lives of 14 people, ground the entire city and state to the halt after Gov. Andrew Cuomo declared a travel ban throughout the storm’s duration.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

This Week In Review #30


We here at the Daily Bungle wish to provide a public service by testing our readers to see how well they can differentiate real news from fake news. One of the following news stories is real. The rest are fake. Can you tell the satire from the real deal? (Hint: Fans of Radio Dead Air will recognize the real news story from their recent episode.)

“Citation Needed” Sign-Wielding Protester Kicked Out Of Bernie Sanders Rally


“Citation Needed” Sign-Wielding Protester Kicked Out Of Bernie Sanders Rally

Populist politician prompted by protester to provide proper citations for his plethora of platitudes and promises.

Peter Jesting
Daily Bungle

A college student was kicked out of a Bernie Sanders rally for holding up a “citation needed” sign during the politician’s speech.

Lyle Bertie, a 19-year-old sophomore, economics major, and member of his college's Young Americans for Liberty chapter, attended the Democratic presidential candidate’s rally last week at Farnsworth University.

The F.U. student brought with him a poster board with the words “citation needed” written on it, which he held up whenever Bernie Sanders made a promise during his speech.

When Sanders claimed that higher taxes on the rich would pay for themselves, he held up his sign, “citation needed.”

When Sanders claimed that raising the minimum wage would create more jobs, he held up his sign, “citation needed.”

When Sanders claimed that free healthcare and education would pay for themselves, he held up his sign, “citation needed.”

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

College Erects Memorial For Microaggression-Related Student Deaths


College Erects Memorial For Microaggression-Related Student Deaths

Local university honors students who lost their lives to “microaggressions”—all zero of them!

Walter Crockpot
Daily Bungle

Farnsworth University recently erected a memorial dedicated to students who have lost their lives due to microaggressions.

The monument is a large granite slab that now stands outside FU’s student union building within a small garden surrounded by blooming flowers.

Upon this granite slab are inscribed the names of FU students whose lives were unfortunately cut short due to microaggression-related deaths.

However, as there have been no recorded student deaths caused by microaggressions within the past year—or really, ever—the monument remains blank.

Statistically speaking, an astounding number of approximately zero people were reported to have died last year due to microaggressions, whether it be white people taking yoga classes, non-Hispanics wearing sombreros, tampons being associated with women, or Americanized Asian food.

These surprising nationwide trends seem consistent with a scientific study released that same week by the university, which revealed little-to-no correlation between white people wearing dreadlocks and black people being shot by police.

Hilary Clinton Promises Money Trees For “Free Everything”


Hilary Clinton Promises Money Trees For “Free Everything”

Money trees proposed to be planted in White House to pay for more free stuff.

Katie Incorrect
Daily Bungle

In a blatantly transparent effort to cull favor with potential voters, Hillary Clinton promised to plant money trees in the White House garden to fund “free everything” for Americans.

Clinton currently faces heated competition from Bernie Sanders, who has been following close behind her in the polls within recent weeks. Most of his popularity has been due to his appeal to young voters, especially through his promises of free healthcare and education.

Not seeking to be outdone by her political rival, Clinton announced at a recent press conference that, if elected president, she would be guaranteeing American citizens “free everything.”

“Not a single soul in this country should be want of anything, especially due to their background or income; and that is why every American citizen should be guaranteed the right to anything they require to maintain their own personal livelihood, be it healthcare, education, housing, clothing, food, or even tampons.”

Study: No Link Between White Dreads, Police Shootings


Study: No Link Between White Dreads, Police Shootings

White dreads do not lead to black deads, new study finds.

Tim Russet Potato
Daily Bungle

In a finding that should surprise no one who is not currently majoring in women’s studies at a liberal arts college, a study published this week at Farnsworth University shows no correlation between the number of white people wearing dreadlocks and the number of black people shot by police.

“After nearly a decade of research, we can safely conclude that there is zero correlation between Caucasian youth wearing the indigenous hairstyle of African Americans and the overall health and well-being of their African-American peers, save for the occasional eye roll,” head researcher, Abe Veous, wrote in the study's abstract.

The department responsible for the study has previously released studies showing much stronger correlations between swimming pool drownings and Nicholas Cage films, computer science doctorates and arcade revenue, and science spending and suicides by hanging.

“Statistically speaking, you are more likely to be strangled to death by your own bed sheets because more people eat cheese than you are to be shot dead by a cop because some white suburbanite thinks its ‘edgy’ to ‘culturally appropriate’ your hairstyle,” Veous said in a recent phone interview.

This Week In Review #29


We here at the Daily Bungle wish to provide a public service by testing our readers to see how well they can differentiate fake news from real news. Four of the following stories are fake, but one is real. Can you tell the real news from the satire?