Monday, November 24, 2014
Originally, I was going to write a satirical holiday article about how PETA wanted to ban Thanksgiving, and how their anti-Thanksgiving campaign involved petitioning to have Macy’s Tom Turkey float replaced with an inflatable soy tofu cube, but I decided not to write that article for two reasons.
One, PETA (People for the “Ethical” Treatment of Animals) is low-hanging fruit. Organizations like it and Westboro Baptist Church are too easy of a target. The question is not how do you make fun of it, the real question is how does any rationally-thinking human being take seriously such an organization that flippantly compares chickens to Holocaust victims, or protests Nintendo over Mario's Tanooki Suit? The answer is that you can’t. I don’t even think self-respecting vegetarians and animal rights activists take it seriously. You simply cannot ridicule something that is already ridiculous.
And two, as with many of my other satirical article ideas, mine was plagarized by reality. No, PETA is not petitioning to ban Thanksgiving, but they are planning to host a protest at the Macy’s parade over the inclusion of a SeaWorld float—and of course, their protest involves copious amounts of nudity. Because
PETA! (Again, you can’t ridicule what is already ridiculous!)
So from all of us here at the Daily Bungle, here’s wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving, and be sure to have an extra hearty helping of turkey to piss off PETA.
The Onion Forced Out Of Business
Satirical news website unable to compete with real news.
In breaking news that seems to have been ripped out of its own pages, The Onion has announced that it will discontinue publication.
For more than 25 years, “America's Finest News Source” has been tickling the collective American funny bone and fooling everyone’s gullible aunt with humorous satirical news stories.
However, it’s nearly three decade run has experienced many major changes, with last year seeing the end of its print publication in favor of an online-only edition.
Now the infamously famous, or famously infamous, fake news organization will be making an especially drastic change now that it is discontinuing publication for good.
Editor Cole Bolton made the hard decision to shut down the long-running fake news organization, as it has been recently facing harsh competition that has been difficult to beat.
While various other satirical news websites such as the Daily Currant and National Report have sprung up in recent years, The Onion has been given a real run for its money by one major competitor: reality!
We here at the Daily Bungle wish to provide a public service by administering a weekly test for our readers to see how well they can differentiate real news from fake news. Two of the following news stories are real. The rest of them are fake. Can you tell the satire from the real deal? (Without clicking on the links or hovering over them, of course!)
Monday, November 17, 2014
Paul Krugman Admits Being Poe, Quits Job
NYT columnist says he’s not a real economist, but he plays one in the newspaper.
Nobel prize-winning economist Paul Krugman has stepped down from his 15-year position writing for the New York Times, but not without revealing his biggest secret: he’s not really an economist.
Krugman, who coined the term “very serious people” to mock pundits who are considered respectable despite holding mistaken beliefs, penned his final column last week in which he confessed to being one of those “very serious people,” revealing that his position as an economist was merely a ruse.
In reality, he never received a Nobel Peace Prize in economics. He never taught economics at Princeton. He never even studied economics in college.
Instead, he had originally graduated Clown College with the intention of breaking out into the entertainment business, but felt that his comedic talents would be squandered working in traveling circuses and carnivals.
So upon graduation, Krugman decided to pull off what he considered to be the biggest prank of them all by passing himself off as a respectable economist while writing the most ludicrous statements.
“When I pitched this proposal to the editor, he told me it was the most asinine thing he had ever heard, and then he shoved the contract in my face and had me sign it,” Krugman said during an in-person interview.
College Students Required To Offer Written Sexual Consent
College code requires students to sign and submit waivers before engaging in any sexual contact, or else risk being disciplined for sexual misconduct.
It was your typical college romance. John and Jane met at the beginning of their freshmen year at Justinuther University, and over the next few weeks, began to know each other a little better.
By the following semester, after attending a campus party, the two decided to take their relationship to the next level.
Jane invited John over to her dorm room, where she made the first move and asked him if he wanted to sleep with her. John complied, and the two had sex.
Despite both of them drinking at the party earlier that evening, both were sober enough to offer each other their consent and use protection.
The next morning, neither of them were ashamed of what they had done, and both were willing to do it again in the near future.
This is where their story should have ended. Sadly, for them, it did not, and their ending was anything but happy.
Two days later, they were both summoned to the Dean of Students Office, which had caught wind of their sexual act. Both of them were accused of violating the college’s new code of sexual conduct.
Under the new code, students wishing to engage in sexual contact are required to offer their written consent. Neither John no Jane had complied with this measure, and thus, they were charged by college officials with sexual misconduct—specifically, Jack was charged with rape.
We here at the Daily Bungle wish to provide a public service by administering a weekly test for our readers to see how well they can differentiate real news from fake news. This week, we're mixing things up a little: two of these news stories are real, and the rest of them are fake. Can you tell the satire from the real deal?
Monday, November 10, 2014
Movie Review: “Big Hero 6” Racist, Sexist
Disney's newest animated feature appears to be progressively multiracial, but pushes the same old regressive bigotry.
The Walt Disney Company has been the most notorious propagator of racism, sexism, and every other "-ism" within Hollywood, and the fact that it markets its movies to children and "families" (dog whistle for "patriarchal white supremacists") make them all the more problematic.
Ever since it was founded by that raging anti-Semite, Walt Disney, the company has been brainwashing children with toxic ideals such as white supremacy, patriarchy, heteronormativity, and cis-sexism, with its movies expressing bigotry both explicitly (Song of the South) and inexplicitly (Frozen's white-washed cast—seriously, being set in a predominantly white country and time period is no excuse for not having a single black character!)
However, the company has recently been trying to whitewash its racist legacy by producing more “diverse” and "progressive" movies. Earlier this year, it announced that its newest princess movie, Moana, will star a South Pacific heroine.
But its latest push at multiculturalism is its newest animated feature, and its first animated Marvel collaboration, Big Hero 6.
Many of my fellow social justice-minded movie critics have praised this film for its "diverse" cast with dynamic “multiracial” characters who defy tokenism, especially since this is the first movie to have a young male Asian protagonist who doesn't use martial arts.
Mic’s Gabe Bergado gushes in his review over how “for once, the white guy is the mascot while every other archetype of hero is present rather than simply 'tokenized.' This squad breaks both gender and race stereotypes while figuring out what's going on in their city—this is what the future should look like.”
Such critics have been far too kind.
This move may try to portray itself as "diverse" and "multicultural", but in reality, it's yet another problematic Disney movie that continues to push the same old regressive crap.
Center Line Supply
New York City Bans Walking Long Distances
Pedestrians wanting to walk farther than five city blocks will have to take public transit.
Visitors wishing to tour the Big Apple will have to take a cab, bus, or train. That’s no longer a recommendation. That’s the law.
The New York City Council approved a ban on walking long distances within city limits. The bill passed with a 49-1 vote, with one city council member abstaining.
Under this new law, pedestrians are prohibited from walking farther than five city blocks. Those that break the law could face fines up to $25, the average fare for a single cab trip.
The law was proposed to encourage New Yorkers to utilize public transportation, be it the subway, the bus system, or one of the city’s iconic yellow taxi cabs.
Since the start of the economic recession, public transit revenues have declined as residents have opted to save money by walking, biking, or carpooling.
Mayor Bill de Blasio has backed this bill as a way to help stimulate the city’s economy by having citizens “prime the pump” of public transportation.
“We know that New Yorkers have been hurting under the recession, but by refusing to take public transit, they only ensure that transportation workers are hurt the hardest,” Blasio said. “Money saved from a cab ride is food money taken away from a taxi driver and his starving family.”
“An economy cannot recover when people are hoarding money for themselves,” he continued. “Economic recovery is only possible when money is circulating within the system. This new law will help prime the pump of our transportation system and ensure that money remains circulating within it.”
A recent poll shows that the new law is highly unfavorable with New York residents, with more than 80 percent opposing it. Most of the 20 percent who support it are transportation workers.
Once again, we here at The Daily Bungle are administering our weekly test to see how well our readers can discern real news from fake news. Below are five news stories. Four are fake, but one is real. Can you tell what is satire and what isn’t? (Without clicking on the links, of course!)
Monday, November 3, 2014
With the launch of this new blog for The Daily Bungle, I’ve decided to start a new weekly feature. Each week, I’ll showcase the headlines, blurbs, and links to five news stories. Four of them are fake. One of them is real. All of them are equally redonkulous! Can you guess which one is the real deal? (As this is the very first time, I’m making this one rather easy.)
Saturday, November 1, 2014
NY Daily News
Haunted House Scares Guests With Ebola, ISIS
This haunted house trades the ghosts, zombies, and ghouls for media boogeymen such as Ebola, global warming, and the Koch Brothers.
Tim Russet Potato
Every Halloween, the abandoned house at the end of Main Street has been used by the local theater group for their annual haunted house.
However, this year, instead of being haunted by imaginary boogeymen like ghosts, ghouls, and goblins, the house is hosting imaginary media boogeymen such as ISIS, Ebola, and the Koch Brothers.
The decision to update the house’s haunts was made in light of recent fear-mongering within the mainstream media, which proved to be harsh competition for traditional scares, the trope’s leader, Dr. Rector, claimed.
“When you have cable news channels pumping the public with fear 24/7 over Ebola and ISIS, suddenly classic horror monsters like Dracula and Frankenstein no longer scare people,” Rector said.
But rather than beat the new competition of cable news, the haunted house has instead decided to join them by utilizing their boogeymen such as school shootings and global warming.
These new haunted house additions have proven quite popular with the public, as attendance has more than doubled since last year, and is expected to skyrocket come Halloween night.
Leftists Protest Koch Cancer Cure
Koch-funded research facility finds cure for cancer. Protesters say dump it!
Left-wing protesters descended upon a cancer research facility that recently announced the discovery of a potential cure for cancer.
The David H. Koch Institute for Integrative Cancer Research announced earlier this week that its researchers have made a medical breakthrough which could potentially provide a cure for cancer.
Though details have yet to be fully revealed, the medical breakthrough involves using stem cells to revert cancer cells back to their original, healthy form.
Medical experts across the nation and world are praising this historic scientific discovery as the first step towards the eradication of cancer.
“If this cure proves successful, it could do to cancer what the Salk vaccine did to polio,” said Dr. Noel Ittaw of the Tokyo University of Science and Medicine. “People one hundred years from now will look back and wonder what cancer was and why it was so feared."
Though lauded by the medical and scientific community, this potential cure has been criticized by left-wing activists due to its research being funded by the Koch Brothers.
Six-Year-Old Girl Sued For Decorating My Little Pony Birthday Cake
Birthday girl's cake gets her targeted by Hasbro for a lawsuit over copyright infringement.
The Daily Bungle
A six-year-old-girl is being sued by Hasbro for copyright infringement after decorating her birthday cake with a My Little Pony cartoon character.
Samantha Jones, 6, only wished to celebrate her birthday with a cake of her favorite cartoon character, Pinkie Pie, from the popular little girl’s cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
After baking a yellow cake with her mother and frosting it with white vanilla frosting, Samantha used pink icing to doodle a crude outline of a horse and spell out “Hapy Birfday From Pinky Pie” (with the ‘p’ in ‘Pie’ spelled backwards).
“The only thing that my daughter loves more than watching My Little Pony is drawing pictures of all the characters, and Pinkie Pie is her all-time favorite,” said Audrey Jones, Samantha’s mother. “So I could think of nothing better for her birthday than for her to decorate her own cake with Pinkie Pie, especially since she’s the show’s party pony.”
But after Samantha’s mother uploaded a photograph of the cake onto Facebook, the company that owns My Little Pony, Hasbro, quickly caught wind of it and responded with a lawsuit.